Whatever you call it, we can all agree this doesn’t feel good.

• Caitlin Conway is a mom of two who lives in Colorado.
• She sends her two kids, ages 8 and 5, to a forest school and homeschools them.
• She says the impact on them physically and emotionally is unparalleled.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Caitlin Conway. It has been edited for length and clarity.

Years ago, when my oldest was an infant, my husband and I had seen a documentary about outdoor schooling in Nordic countries. It really resonated with us, but it also felt intense because we're not used to seeing that kind of setup here. It was cool, but also terrifying — kids were using knives in the woods.

Then I found a forest school in Colorado, where we live.

We started forest school when my oldest was 4.5

We started my son on the coldest day of the year, in February, and I was nervous. We sent him out, and when he came home, he didn't say anything about the weather. He never even mentioned that it was cold; he was immediately engrossed.

It was his primary source of education until two years ago, through first grade. They age out of a full-day program around then, so we now homeschool and leverage a homeschool enrichment program for him because we were not ready to leave the program. My youngest attends forest school three days a week and is also homeschooled the other days.

The school goes from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. every day as long as it's 15 degrees Fahrenheit or warmer. Sometimes they have a shelter; sometimes they don't. They learn how to keep their bodies warm.

The primary focus is on social and emotional development. It gives kids opportunities to test their capabilities, both physically and emotionally. The guides are there to keep them safe, but they're not there to solve a kid's every problem. They learn to negotiate conflicts with each other and can get help when they need it.

When at home, we also prioritize being outside

We don't follow a strict homeschooling curriculum. Our main focus is on exposure. We homeschool so they can continue to stay outside and strengthen their bodies and minds. We've also found a group of people through forest school that we call our homeschool co-op. It's two other families, and we all help facilitate "adventure days" outside.

I'm not sitting at a kitchen table with them all day. We do an art program, and both kids also take piano lessons and swim. We also do our own work around reading, writing, and math.

I never expected to be homeschooling my kids, but they love it

I don't have an educational background. I come from early-stage start-ups and am currently a real estate agent. But I continue to double down on this method because I see an incredible impact on my kids' ability to adapt to different situations. They can sit still at a restaurant, but they can also jump off a cliff into a river. They know that bravery has a great payoff.

The hardest part is other people's opinions. We've had to defend what we're doing, something I'm sure every homeschool parent has had to do. An instant reaction to me sharing that my kids are in the woods all day is, "But how are they learning if they're not in the real world?" That can be frustrating, but I think it's important to make sure people know there are other options for early childhood development.

• While pregnant with my second child, an RTO mandate was issued at work.
• Going into the office five days a week wasn't going to work for me, or for my family.
• I decided to take the leap and build my own business instead.

I never imagined myself starting a business, but after a return-to-office mandate that wasn't going to work for my family, I had to rethink what should come next in my career. I spent a lot of time networking on LinkedIn, and after some encouragement, I started asking myself, "Why not?"

I worked in marketing as a content writer, and I've always been ambitious. I was a top performer at my company, receiving glowing reviews and setting a record for campaign performance. However, there was always a constant pull between time at the office and time with my family.

Being required to show up to the office five days a week simply wouldn't work for me

The office was about an hour from my house, which was fine for two to three days a week, especially with the flexibility to work remotely for additional days as necessary. When they instituted the expectation for a full five days in office with no flexibility at the beginning of the year, I knew it wasn't going to work. I was expecting my second child, and my 5-year-old had a weekly appointment and some commitments I didn't want to miss.

Showing up to my kid's events often meant working from home an extra day or leaving the office early, and even though I was crushing performance metrics, those absences made me feel like I wasn't doing enough at work, especially as my department began focusing on new goals. Worse, as departmental pressure increased, my boss made a few comments that left me wondering whether he felt I wasn't sufficiently dedicated to the new direction and my role, adding a layer of fear about my job when I was trying to be present with my family.

Then, there were the moments I felt like I wasn't doing enough as a mom. I apologized on more than one occasion for a school closure or my kid getting sick, and I found myself checking messages while he napped in my arms. It was uncomfortable to acknowledge the guilt I felt across all aspects of my life.

The tug-of-war had become a constant since becoming a mom, and I kept thinking there had to be a way to be true to my high-achieving nature while still being the kind of loving, involved parent I aspired to be. After a series of coffee chats with other "mompreneurs" and marketing colleagues, I realized building a business, like motherhood, isn't about having it all figured out. I could chase entrepreneurship like I once chased accolades.

I've always been a writer. Communication and storytelling have been the constants in my career across industries and roles. I'd helped friends and family with marketing for their law firms while still working full-time; I'd worked in education, both in the classroom and in marketing. I realized my experience would translate to the kind of business I wanted to build: brand development, content strategy, and ghostwriting in higher education and law. I spent most of my third trimester balancing business planning and baby preparation.

I took the leap and started my own business

My LinkedIn community encouraged me to take the leap and supported me again as I began shifting my personal brand to support the business after my son was born. I signed my first client before he arrived, and had two referrals come in during my first couple of months in business.

By the time both my children started school and day care earlier this year, I'd built something that would support the life I wanted without requiring an apology. My first client was recommended in AI overviews after only 30 days. I was a guest on a podcast about AI visibility called Found In AI and invited on a few others focused on motherhood and ambition.

I build my own schedule. I work between pickup and dropoff, and I don't feel the need to check my phone while volunteering or at school events. I relish the details I get when my oldest hops in the car: the games at recess or the math facts that fascinated him in class. I build Magna Tiles cities and go for "treasure hunts" around the neighborhood without guilt or explanation. Sure, there are days when I'm logging back in after bedtime, but instead of putting in those hours to chase titles or prove something, I'm simply putting the work where it fits for me or pursuing something I'm genuinely excited about for one of my clients.

I spent a lot of my career frantically trying to prove that motherhood didn't lessen my capability, while simultaneously feeling guilty for every ask that mattered: the Halloween school parade or my child's sick days. I was afraid of losing respect at my job and afraid of missing out on my kids' childhood.

Now, I recognize that fear was holding me back from building a life that feels much more fulfilled. I've let go of the competition between the roles of "Mom" and "Career Woman." Three ghostwriting clients alone equal my monthly salary from corporate, which was the goal, and anything after that is a bonus. The control of my time is priceless; I'll never have to ask permission to be fully present with my children.

Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius once said, "If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it."

If there is one thing my sons and I learned from my late wife Kim's fight against cancer, it was how to distinguish between traumatic life events over which we have no control and the power we have to respond to them as we choose.

A few weeks ago, my sons and I watched "White Room," a short introspective film directed by JT Rees. The film tells the story of 24-year-old Reese, who has tried for years to avoid dealing with his feelings over his older sister Joy's death. But grief has a way of lingering in our hearts while gnawing away at our inner peace. The movie is about sibling love and coming to terms with the loss of Reese’s older sister.

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"White Room" is based on JT's own life experience. When he was 9 years old, he lost his 12-year-old sister Jessie to brain cancer.

My sons and I never met Jessie Rees, but we have bonded deeply with her family over shared grief from losing loved ones to cancer. And for years, we've been soothing our broken hearts by partnering with the Jessie Rees Foundation to support kids in the fight for their lives against pediatric cancer.

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We were always a close-knit family, but now it was the three of us, whom my late wife Kim lovingly called "my boys," facing the post-traumatic stress Kim's fight against cancer had left in its wake. That's why we identified so profoundly with JT's alter ego and protagonist Reese when Joy showed him how to process his sorrow by understanding it was not his fault.

"I had cancer!" Joy screams. She comforts Reese and exhorts him never to give up. "It's OK to cry," Joy says. "I'll always be right here watching you. You know where to find me."

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Joy encourages Reese to "Live your life. Promise me you'll try." Grief can paralyze us. But even if we have no control over the disease that took our loved one's life, we absolutely can make our own decisions about what to do about it.

I honor Kim's memory by fulfilling the promise I made to her on her deathbed to do my best to ensure our sons live their lives to the fullest while carrying with them the grief of losing their mom to cancer when they were only 8 and 11 years old.

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And so, on the day after their mom passed away, my sons went to school just as they had throughout Kim's fight against cancer, including her last few months in hospice. They expressed their sorrow with the help of a service dog and art therapy. They went to swim practice and played outside with their friends. They've never stopped doing the things that make kids' lives fun and meaningful.

Long before my wife was stricken with cancer, I learned that lesson about resilience while serving overseas with the CIA in a Middle East war zone. Upon returning late one night to our overseas field station from leave, I was informed at the airport that one of the CIA's most decorated, courageous and brilliant paramilitary officers had been killed in action. We held a memorial service and never stopped carrying in our hearts the grief over our loss. But we also got right back to our counterterrorism mission and honored our fallen colleague's memory by relentlessly taking the fight to the enemy as he would have wanted.

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And therein lies the meaning of the CIA's Memorial Wall in the lobby of the Original Headquarters Building. Every time I walked into CIA Headquarters, I would look up at the stars on the wall commemorating our fallen heroes and repeat the same ritual when I departed at the end of the day, always deep in thought about honoring the legacy of those we lost.

"White Room" is a must-see film, especially for anyone who has experienced loss over which they never had any control and suffered all the collateral damage.

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My sons and I miss our Kim every day. But together we have learned how to discover and build resilience in our broken hearts.

Do the work. Stay engaged. Don't run from your sadness. But let your grief shape how you honor the memory of the one you lost.

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And remember you're not alone. Your loved one is with you, an angel on your shoulders.

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On cement walls and through dusty windows, a mother reaches out to her child.

A decade ago, I made a decision about my daughter’s education that I hoped would challenge New York City’s separate and unequal school system. Now 16, she thinks I made the wrong choice.

© Wayne Lawrence for The New York Times